Trauma & History

Most of what I've written about my past on this blog would be fiercely disputed by various members of my family.  We can all agree that our maternal grandmother died at her cottage and that our parents are now dead.  After that, things become murky.

I have four siblings and we extend out now with partners, children, grandchildren -- so some dispute is to be expected.  "Sibling rivalry" or "Mom always liked you best."  But our history goes way beyond that.  Or so I believe.

My problem now is that the fragile existence of my family depends upon everyone believing the same thing -- nothing bad happened to us.  I can no longer go along.

Because going along with the idea that we are a typical family means that I must remain that smothered half-dead creature my parents made me.  And yes, I mean both my parents because my mother was there too.  I am sickened by what he did to her but at the same time I have to acknowledge that she was no mother.

What started me on this rant?  It has to do with communication within our family.  Insiders and outsiders.  And me.  I feel a pat on the head telling me I'm A-OK and "doing so well."  What does that even mean?  All the gushing about me doing well surely means that I haven't been doing well and that doing well is not expected of me.  Why is that?  Because I have been a mouse all my life.  And why is that?  Because of my sad personality.  Because that's innately who I am -- a mouse who has started to take a few art courses late in life.  How lovely!

No!  Not lovely.  Miraculous.

I find myself on the outside looking in.  Expected to be happy with the crumbs thrown my way.  If one brother says hello and what's new and then answers his own question, I'm meant to be content.  I'm expected to show up at family events and toe the line -- and I should be grateful for the invitation.  Because I am a mouse with slightly expanded horizons.

Ha!  Maybe I'm the rat!  I'm being asked to gloss over the reasons why my life has been such hell.  Such complete despair.  Because examining the reasons means shaking the boat of our fragile family.  But, sorry, I've been silenced way too long!