Senior Band

So simple to go back to the world of rehearsals.  I love it.  I'm right back there.  I've said before that music has been my life-line.  In high school I played in the school band and orchestra as well as a community band.  With that band I went to Expo '70 in Osaka.  That was my summer after grade 12.

My thoughts have gone all over the place thinking about band.  Ultimately I perched on the ceramics I did one fall at the Gardiner Museum.  I participated in a group for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.  We were to make a place setting that illustrated our experience in some way.  I was so humiliated and upset by what came out of me.  It was so ugly!  But I couldn't change it and after all my life has been ugly.  One of the pieces I made was a bass clarinet.  I also made skis as chopsticks since skiing was another thing I loved.  There were Japanese bridges or chopstick holders and a notebook and pen for writing.

The most troubling aspects were the male figure and the central pie-shaped plate with the attached chain and shackle.  I made a circle and divided it into seven as everything was in our house.  Our serving, our place, set in stone!  My mother would take a brick of ice cream and cut off a wee bit for my youngest brother and then divide the rest into 6.  She could dish out a stew and divvy up the meat according to her personal calculations -- always more for the men.

Towards the end of his life my father said with great pride that he had treated all his children exactly the same.  Apart from being a complete lie it was an outrageous comment to make.  Who in their right minds (ha!) would believe that 5 children would be identical?  But there we were, chained to our fixed slice of the pie.  Life as a zero sum game.  No wonder we five never connected, never became friends.  Competition for the crumbs was constant.

Of course I don't mean we fought out loud.  I don't imagine there could be a more quiet house with 5 kids inside -- apart from competing music systems.  No, we fought with meanness, lack of respect or care.  Lack of connection.  We were never taught that feelings are actually exponential -- contagious.  More and more joy for example instead of none.

Way back in 1970 I was still shackled.  In Japan I was overwhelmed by everything -- the heat and humidity, the culture, the attention we received -- and at the same time fascinated.  I still am.

After our trip the band leader quit.  The assistant conductor tried for a season but the band fell apart.  I went to university -- another story -- and tried a few times to particpate in making music, usually on the clarinet.  And now here I am in the Senior Band.  There are 5 clarinets at the moment in our group.  The other four began in September.  One of the four couldn't even read music!  And here we are rehearsing together on a Monday.