Things not seen

For me the ultimate in don't-look-don't-see was the night Grannie died.  This event has become my reality check for things not-seen.  That is, I know Grannie died that night and I know that I saw.  Therefore, even if I can't yet see the pictures in my mind, no one can question the reality of my memories of that day as they question my memories about other events.

I've tracked my movements starting before daybreak.  I've tried to make sense of a day which I entered outwardly not-knowing that Grannie had died though I knew where to find her when I finally went back into the cottage with an adult.

I'll repeat that I was the only one staying with Grannie that week.  I was 10 years old and on my own.  It didn't occur to me to ask for help even though my friend's mother had told me to wake her up if anything happened in the night.  I knew better.  I knew never to look at Grannie in the night especially if she was not properly dressed.

I sat outside leaning against a huge maple now gone and stared at the sun rising over the lake.  I know I walked through the room where Grannie lay dead and yet when we discovered her several hours later I could only say that I couldn't find her in the morning.  And the story told in my mind was that I'd only ever seen her foot.  It was as if a screen shielded my eyes from what I wasn't supposed to see.  But I did see.  I need to see again.  And not just at the cottage but in the city house as well.  Everywhere.  I need to see what happened to me.